It’s been exactly 7 years since I got sick. It was that infamous 2012. when the end of the world was being announced, but “for real” because it coincided with the end of the Mayan calendar which was considered very smart. I remember the deep belief in the prophecy of this ancient wise civilization, but I also know that people love fear and panic, maybe because during it they somehow feel more alive.
But it turned out that the Mayan calendar was misinterpreted. It was depicted on a circle board and, when the circle is finished, it logically starts from the beginning. The end of the Mayan calendar didn’t foretell the end of the world but an end of a long era and the beginning of a great shift in the level of consciousness of humanity. The world was getting out of a dark age, Vedas are calling it Kaliyuga, the iron age, the ego age, the “tame and conquer” paradigm… The hippies in the movie “Hair” joyfully sang about it and were welcoming the new age of sympathy, and understanding, love and compassion – all in all, the female principle. The male principle that begun with the patriarchy which superseded the matriarchy showed itself as being highly unsustainable. Just look at the world! Nature is sick, we are sick, the war destructions are still going on as if we learned nothing from the past and old men (the elders) are still sending boys to war to die for their selfish interests. Luckily, less and less, because the world is waking up and it needs moms again.
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So in that infamous year of 2012. I experienced the end of the world as I knew it accompanied by the end of my health. But only my world, not the World as it is. I am 42 years old, which means that I survived more than 50 announced armageddons, apocalypses, and ends of the world. But what I’ve experienced since 2012. was my quantum leap into a new level of consciousness. (OK; there were much smaller but important understandings and realizations that led me to here where I am now). I am happy that I was awakened because I was deeply unhappy with my life and I didn’t live my truth. Today I love my life: I have a wonderful relationship with my son and my family, a decent parenting relationship with his dad, wonderful friends, angels, and teachers. I travel the world and I learn. I am discovering my purpose/Dharma. I am living in gratitude and I am happy.
The process was long and difficult. And it is still on. And I ran out of strength. For seven years I’m barely holding my head above the water so I don’t drown. Can you imagine how hard is that? I remembered the words of Michelangelo:
If you only knew how much work I’ve put into it, you wouldn’t consider me a genius.
And now it’s time for some emotional striptease. I have a feeling that some of you put there need to hear this now, to know that if you feel similar, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For the last two months, I am experiencing the dark night of the soul. My comeback to the world of modern medicine revealed why I was reluctant to do it for years. I simply wasn’t strong enough emotionally so that their predictions wouldn’t discourage me and burst my balloons. So when I got the terrible prognosis’ I retreated. I began learning, researching, doing inner work, I thoroughly changed my diet and my attitude, especially my anger – I forgave myself and all. I realized that it was more important to lose all that is “devouring” me and along the way, I tried EVERYTHING. In the age of information – ignorance is a choice. I didn’t want to be an idiot with a 4G in my pocket. I found people who managed to feel better and heal, so I imitated them. But then I felt the need to approach my health condition in an integrally holistic manner, but the official prognosis’ still got me. It started with my visit to German Neurologists and their attitude. My Dr. Joe calls these prognoses “THE VODOO CURSE”. And they are that. You need to be very strong not to give up on yourself after hearing it.
In this bad episode of my soul-eclipse, I’ve decided that 7 years was enough. I was either going to change or die. I had ENOUGH. Dark thoughts were haunting me. I fell. My analytical mind, that stupid calculator, is a very useful thingie if I AM managing it and not vice versa! The CALCULATOR CALCULATES based on the data from my past. It’s what it does. If it’s let loose, here I am in paranoia. Louis L. Hay kept begging people not to terrorize themselves with their thoughts, warning it’s very counterproductive.
And the devil always has children, or how the saying goes… A few sad news + the therapy didn’t work + horrible heat and humidity along with ongoing prognosis’ that I am going to get worse and worse, and that my slim chance is in maintaining my current state (coming even from people on the street that I didn’t ask anything!). It resulted in the total collapse of my fragile system. The rug got pulled under my feet. Literally. I also got struck with the “summertime sadness” and I thought my inner cheerleader died.
You have to know that most of the time I am a very joyful and optimistic being, but when I am depressed, sad and pathetic, there aren’t many as dark as me. The other day, my walking got so bad that I barely descended from the third floor and then I just stood in front of the building and I couldn’t walk to the taxi. When the driver saw me, he came to help me and I called my neurologist crying and complaining that today I feel as if I never stood on my feet and used my legs in my life. The day after she looked at me and here I am again on the pulse therapy, 3rd day.
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Kissing the ground is the best springboard. My favorite saying.
I reached rock bottom. I’ve had suicidal thoughts. I’ve decided I had enough and that I will definitely either change or die. In a month, I am attending yet another Dr. Joe Dispenza advanced workshop, this time in Niagara Falls. I manifested that one too. But instead of being joyful, fear consumed me, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to walk and that I am getting worse and worse and I kept toying with the idea that it would be so simple to end my anguish and throw myself in that spectacular watery abyss. Theatrically in my style. I heard that the jumpers die from fear a few inches before reaching the ground because their hearts fail. And that is a beautiful death if you don’t change your mind eventually, and I have the feeling that might happen to me. Just in case, I was also imagining how amazing it would be to have the crazy luck to be saved by Superman during my fall like he saved Louis Lane, and we would fall in love afterward.
I’ve decided that I will do it to look like an accident. I prefer everybody thinking that it was a stupid accident (while attempting a selfie) and that I am a fool, than they thinking I was a coward and I gave up on myself and that I selfishly left them with the pain…
That short and bad episode of the twilight zone happened last Friday. The dark thoughts are terribly intoxicating. I nicely wallowed in their filth like a pig and felt sorry for myself. Interestingly, I was aware the whole time that I’ve never thought like this and they felt strange. But it was intoxicating so I kept boozing myself with sadness. Then my friend Srebrni called, and it was enough for him to hear my voice to immediately organize an “intervention” with our girlfriends, Joe Dispenza students that we hung out with in Mallorca. He told me they’re on the way.
– Leave me alone, I am horrible, I’m not in a mood for company… – I told him but inside I thought: Yes, yes, come, thank you, help me!
– You can’t stop me- Your father will let me in – he said and we started laughing. I was so happy that he was going to get me and take me to a dinner organized for me, a so-called “intervention”. When he entered my room, he smiled and said:
– It’s OK. No one who is actually suicidal doesn’t make their bed.
As soon as I got out of the apartment, everything became lighter. We had a wonderful time at Vesna’s place, drank my favorite wine and laughed a lot. My friends told me that they’re proud of me that I accepted their help because I really scared them. I told them that I was also proud of myself because the time I’ve spent on the rock bottom was a few hours instead of for days like I did in the past. And that I’m proud of myself for accepting their generous help. That was my big progress. That was my personal development.
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While I was typing you about my plan to throw myself in the abyss I became aware that that idea wasn’t originally mine but my grandmother Ágnes’ who was telling me about those thoughts she had while we were together on the seaside for the last time. We were walking to the “Rocky Beach” in Primošten and she was telling me about it while we were carefully passing the narrow road high above the sea.
– My dear Anđika, this abyss is so attractive. It is calling me to throw myself into it and set myself free.
She really scared me so I hugged her and switched places with her. She was already getting swept up with dementia and was slowly “losing her mind”. I couldn’t imagine how horrible she must’ve felt but I felt her despair. And these thoughts I had, that were pure fatigue, resignation, and longing to “get out of this shithole of my situation” was actually how she felt then. I tuned into this emotion. It is not mine. I am young and I love life.
Although I was embarrassed, I’ve decided to write about this. So you don’t get the wrong impression that I’m always happy and positive even though I smile and laugh a lot. That’s my character trait. And in the same way, Obelix fell into the magic potion kettle so he never needed one, I kind of fell into some kind of laughing dope when I was little.
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we bought the lie that being uncomfortable is bad. But what if it’s just a sign that the change we’ve been asking for is happening and we are in the “unknown”, and that itself feels uncomfortable? Isn’t giving birth extremely uncomfortable yet the result is so beautiful?! I heard a wonderful story about a man who saw a caterpillar in a cocoon so he cut it out to help her get out. The half caterpillar butterfly just fell out of the cocoon and died. Why? Because for her transformation to occur a whole process of emergence/becoming/being is needed.
To become your best self you must lose your weak self. And that happens only through relentless improvement, continuous reflexion, and an ongoing self-excavation. If you don’t keep raising daily you’ll get stuck in your own life for the rest of your life.
Robin S. Sharma, The 5 AM Club
How You Be, My Friend? Are you a bit uncomfortable? Cool, you’re in the ‘right’ place. Being un-comfortable is actually an awareness that change is underfoot. It’s the way you know that the change and difference that you’ve been asking for is actually being created. What if that uncomfortableness was one of the greatest rightnesses? It lets you know you are headed in the direction of the difference you were asking for.
Dr. Dain Heer. Being You, Changing The World . Access Consciousness Publishing Company, LLC. Kindle Edition.