My life completely changed in the past month. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I’m standing on my own feet. Only a few weeks ago I felt like a rag doll, a marionette whose puppet master was drunk and unpredictable. Literally. There were a lot of tears and struggle, a lot! Even when I felt better I felt worse the next day and it seemed like it is getting even worse.
For the first time, I am taking therapy for Multiple Sclerosis, called Copaxone. It’s the mildest therapy for MS so women can even take it during pregnancy. I was told that we will find out if it works for me (though it probably won’t) after a few months but I’ve decided that it is the best thing for me and I’ve turned it into my placebo. They mentioned nasty side-effects and hematoma on the place of injection but I really believe I am unique and I don’t believe that general instructions stand for everyone. I skipped the part on side-effects and possible complications and I live unaware of them so I have none. Probably the power of my auto-suggestion is also very strong but just in case, I memorized the drug’s description and I’m constantly imagining how does it work inside me and I am assisting it with visualization, meditation and, my attitude. Copaxone is a synthetic protein that simulates the missing myelin (myelin is the wrapping of the nerve, and MS is a demyelinating condition).
I arrived in America and after 7 hours of sitting in a plane, my legs felt like a new-born Bambi’s. The difference in the culture is this: when you fall in New York, people approach you, but before touching you they ask – do you need help?, or when we hurried to catch a train to Niagara Falls I got cheerleading from several passers-by: You go girl! You’re doin’ it! You’re doin’ it!
We arrived at the Niagara Falls workshop the second day, missing the introductory teaching. I saw a lot of friends and acquaintances from the previous workshops and I felt like an inventory a bit, but that felt good. There were 1660 of us in a huge room with 190cm in between chairs (I know it because of my height, 178cm), so there was a lot of room for meditation. The sound is amazing in every workshop but here in America, everything is bigger, stronger and louder so the sound was even more spectacular here.
I watched Dr. Joe and soaked up his every word although I’ve heard them several times. I knew that I’m firming my neurological pathways in the brain the same as a path in the meadow that I walked on often. That is how knowledge looks in the brain.
Every day we change the seating position as groups. On the first day we started in the back of the room from the left side. Joe mostly moves around the middle of the room while he’s lecturing but there are so many screens and the sound system is sn o good that I have the feeling that he’s in front of me all the time and he is talking to me personally. Nevertheless, I would like him to see that I came again. But how will he notice me among so many people?
I started “pulling” his energy. How? I have no idea, apparently, the intention is enough and it was: look at me, see me, I came, I’m here… I did it energetically, I didn’t jump on my chair or yell and wave, I just invited his energy in my energy field. I heard about this “pulling energy” tool so I had to try it out. Michael Jackson, Madonna did it, and many others who pull the audience’s energy to be amazing performers and the audience adores them. I think all great performers do it whether consciously or unconsciously and Dr. Joe Dispenza does it as well. Look at him. We are watching him as if there was no one else in the room. I just want him to notice me in this crowd, but is that even possible?
The second day instead of making us overcome ourselves in an adventure challenge he gave us a challenge of a day-long meditation without a lunch break. He said: Relax. Tell your bodies: I’ll feed you. I will give you a drink. But now we are going to sit here…
We were ecstatic, very naive of us. To me, it looked like a great opportunity to deepen my meditations and go further because there is always more – as they say in our community. My friend Mona, whom I met on my first advanced retreat in Berlin last year, was very excited. I thought, is anything still a challenge for her? She did the adventure challenge in Toronto last year where she descended from the top of their 34 story hotel. Mona is 70 years old. When she got down from the hotel (hanging from ropes on the outer side) she went: diagnose? What diagnose?
The meditation started after breakfast and lecture at 11 AM. There would be three breaks if we need to use the toilet but nothing more. Joe even let us pick the bell sound and between a school bell and fire alarm bell we chose the most theatrical one – the church bell. He said: try to last the longer you can. Try to be greater than your body.
The first bell rang, I’m thinking I’m still ok… Dr. Joe is amping us up: harmonize, become the blackness… and everything else he is saying in his meditations. Let me just explain: when we don’t think and we focus on the nothingness in space or the blackness under our eye-lids our brain waves become coherent and it creates harmony in our body.
After approximately an hour, it wasn’t amusing anymore. I felt every bone in my pelvis and my loins. I felt like the skin on them was burning. I thought of bedsore that a few of my loved ones had and I just started crying. Yes, I was crying and Dr. Joe said: become the blackness – I thought: f** you and your blackness and I hated him. When the next bell rang I raised my hand so an assistant or team leader could see me and help me stand up, but it was dark and no one saw me. I tried to get up on my own but my legs were stiff from so much sitting so I fell back on my chair and continued to cry. Two good people saw that so they helped me out of the room and to the toilet and one woman stayed with me the whole time. You know, everybody is super nice here: warm, kind and helpful. The social norms from the future. In front of the door, we were all stretching and massaging our legs in silence and we were waiting for everybody to finish and then they’ve let us back in.
The third round passed a little easier although the bones in my body still hurt. I wondered: why is he doing this? Why is he tormenting us? When he finally said lay down and drift away, I knew I overcame myself. I laid on my side even though he said we must lie on our back but I didn’t feel my buttocks and I had the need to be disobedient. No drifting away for me, I was awake and happy to be on the ground. I turned to my friend Srebrni who lay beside me and he said: I barely made it. He sounded comforting. I turned on my back and closed my eyes. But we made it – I thought and felt proud of us all. What’s the time? I opened my eyes and Dr. Joe was leaning over me. This is unreal I thought. I smiled and he smiled back. I closed my eyes and when I opened them a few moments later he was gone.
The rest of the day and the next day we were indescribably happy and proud of ourselves. The hour-long meditations passed in a moment. It seemed nothing was impossible. I continued to pull Joe’s energy encouraged by the fact that he found me in the dark among 1660 people.
But the next day at 4:45 am I woke up in my old emotions of frailty: “who are you kidding? Walking meditation? You can’t stand on your feet let alone walk…” I wanted to stay in the hotel room but my friends told me that these emotions belong to my past. I thought, OK, whatever, I’ll go maybe I see Joe.
My friends pushed me in a wheelchair to the place in the Niagara Falls Park where we started our meditation. I hardly stood up from the chair and looked at the bumpy terrain we were supposed to walk on. (the terrain is perfectly normal to a normal healthy person). Roughly everybody put on the meditation at 6. the first part of the meditation is standing still with our eyes closed and we focus on our heart. That is supposedly super weird and spooky to uninformed passers-by, so in Brighton, the local paper called us zombies and here we were pronounced a horrifying silent cult.
So, I’m standing there with my eyes closed when suddenly someone starts kissing me on my cheek sensually. It was a kiss I’d receive from someone who loves me. But who can that be? I was very surprised. I open my eyes and see Dr. Joe Whaat? Then we hugged each other in silence…
The walking part started. Joe was amping us up in my headphones: WALK AS YOUR FUTURE SELF… BE THE AVATAR… I don’t believe in the Walking Meditation because how can I walk as my future self when every step I take reminds me that I can barely walk??! My mood went to hell again.
A few meters ahead someone stood on my way. I see a pair of cool, familiar shoes with thick white rubber soles. I was looking at them on the screens all day yesterday. Whaaat? I look up, it’s Dr. Joe. He took off the headphones off my head and said: NO! CHANGE YOUR ENERGY! You are not going to change this matter to matter, you’ve got to change your energy! Be your future self, be invincible!
Bam! This was an energy x-ray. I felt caught in the act. This is how I sabotage myself daily. I felt ashamed. Joe went on and I kicked myself: gratitude! Let’s see: I thought of my son, my brothers, my dad, my friends, I reminded myself that I was in the f**in’ Niagara Falls State Park! I started imagining that with every step I’m leaving the shit of my past behind.
The meditation finished on the part of the park with a beautiful view of the mighty waterfall. In the meditation, I stopped every now and then and looked at the power and the intensity of the water. I was in awe. The sight awakened respect towards Mother Earth. I know I sound theatrical but it really looks mighty, believe me.
It was as if I soaked in that energy and my steps felt lighter. It seems as if I left my chronic fatigue and the heaviness of my past and my body in that park, my steps were more coherent and everything became more easy and natural. I walked into the conference room. On the way to my place, I got an emotional cheering and applause, American style. Everybody noticed my change and I was happy that I desired to walk again, after a long time.
When we came back to New York, our friend in whose home we stayed said: “You changed! You walk better”. We were climbing up the stairs to his appartment, I went towards the stairs again to the 4th floor and he stopped me: “ That’s what I’m talking about. You didn’t even notice that we’ve arrived.”
Some kind of click happened. I feel I’m a few hundred kilos lighter in my body. But my change isn’t so much visible but I feel it and the other’s too. I changed energetically + small changes like – I can clap again!!! Every day I discover something new.
Change your energy – has become the most frequent thought I have. The mantra I entertain my mind with so it doesn’t think about foolish things are these questions: How does it get any better than this? and What else is possible?!
I’ve decided to stop going to retreats until significant change because I feel ashamed to appear in front of Dr. Joe’s eyes until I change my energy. But that is a conclusion I guess and conclusions feel narrow and finite. Who knows what will happen? I better ask myself: what is all possible?
Yesterday, as a grand finale of this text about my change came an invitation from the Slovenian (I’m Croatian) POP TV to be a participant on the “Dancing with the Stars”. The woman from the casting said she heard I had some difficulties but that on my pictures I look great.
It was a call from the future. I wonder, what else is possible?