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43. Breakups and heartaches

Objavljeno, 19.4.2019. | My Yes to love journey

“Love is like the sun. when the dark comes, it still exists, it doesn’t disappear. But when it appears again, it shines in it’s best guise.”

A breakup happens to everyone. (I’m writing this for my friend). It happened to me one after the other, constantly, but today I know that there was a reason for it. I am 42 years old and I had over a few relationships besides marriage, and only the first and the last one I was the one who terminated it. Now that I am thinking about it, it looks as if these two breakups were a sign of my emotional maturity – then with the innocent 16 years of age and the last one with mature 38. I became aware that those relationships don’t give enough to me although those guys didn’t do anything wrong, my problem was that they didn’t do enough for me to wish to continue our common journey.

In all the other relationships I was abandoned in the most different (creative) and “heartless” ways like through a text message or over the phone. I comfort myself that I wasn’t notified of a breakup over a post-it message on the fridge, although it would make a fun tact in my autobiography. Nevertheless, I find all these without balls, although looking at them from my perspective today, I understand that terminating a relationship that doesn’t make sense anymore is a kind of an act of self-preserving that in any case can be done with dignity – and personally.

I am very intense and for years I had the belief that I am “too much” for many people although I got that descriptive adjective from my well-meaning parents that were barely coping with having three children and especially with their only daughter who “seemed to embody 3 boys”. My mom often said that she barely noticed her two sons growing up but me… so since childhood, I came to believe that I am “too much” and that because of it, no one will love me…

After years of inner work, school of personal development and years of psychotherapy, I’ve learned that this cruel verdict came from my Superego (superego – an internalized parents’ voice that is much more strict and often very cruel to us), that totally exaggerated the “well-meaning” comments of my parents. I say “well-meaning” because my loving parents didn’t dream how much those will affect me and how much I will take them by heart and believe them. If they could’ve known that their child is HSP (highly sensitive person) I know I would never hear them.

How many times I experienced just hat in relationships – but now I see that my partners only mirrored my own belief – that I am “too much”.

Although after every breakup I thought that I just won’t survive the next one, and I was especially sure of that after the divorce, after that boyfriend left me too – I thought I am going to die for sure. But I didn’t. I am still very alive. And not just that, I realized that every next relationship is deeper, better, more intense and that I loved more. Although these relationships didn’t last, when I stopped living my life from the ego’s perspective (and the ego is very vulnerable and sensible) and when I learned that all the love that I felt was still in me and that I didn’t lose anything, I realized that this ability to love deeply is my superpower and that someone will be blessed with it someday. And I can only imagine how beautiful my next relationship will be – now that I am loving myself more and more.

Conclusion:

  • breakups of a friendship or a love affair can’t threaten my self-respect
  • the love I am capable of giving is inside of me and it is cumulatively adding up
  • and if that special someone never a//ears, it doesn’t matter – I don’t need someone to feel love – and this quote beautifully reminded me of that:

Here we are, thinking that one needs to be in love with another to shine, to feel free and shout from the rooftops, but the most important person, the most important relationship we’ll ever have is waiting, is craving to be loved truly and deeply.
And here’s the interesting part.  When we love ourselves, we naturally shine, we are naturally beautiful. And that draws others to us. Before we know it, they’re loving us and it’s up to us to choose who to share our love with.

Beautiful irony. Fall in love with yourself. Let your love express itself and the world will beat a path to your door to fall in love with you.

Ravikant, Kamal. Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. Love Yourself. Kindle Edition.

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