5. The iceberg of negativity

Objavljeno, 29.3.2018. | My Yes to love journey

I was in a wonderful mood for days, until suddenly, a familiar sadness and negativity attacked me. First I got scared but then in the next session of reading my wonderful books, I found out that it is normal when you’re cleaning the past from negativity and it is inevitable to bump into an iceberg hiding below the surface, in your subconscious.

Only know that I have come to know true happiness I see how grumpy I used to be and in some kind of constant state of downheartedness, we call the normal life.

Negativity is humanity’s sickness, it is nothing but a point of view – an illusion rooted in the fear of death.” – says Yuri Spilny, but I more see it like annoying herpes with which you can live with because we’re used to it.

Only when I came to love silence I realized how much the noise of the world bothered me: thousands of aggressive information that ambush us from everywhere and the chatter for the sake of chatter… Only now I see how “normal” it is to be in this noise that people don’t even notice.

I felt a strong desire to withdraw to solitude and observe my thoughts that are surfacing. How much useless ballast! I realized (at last!) that my body needs energy for homeostasis – the body does that if I don’t obstruct it and don’t waste my energy – so my first thing to was deleting the social media apps from my phone that are aggressively busting into my everyday life without any sense of order. Do I really need to be so available all the time? Do I own anything to anyone? People close to me contact me over the phone, all the others are invaders who 1) don’t even know me personally, 2) don’t care if it’s a proper time of day and 3) don’t even care if the content of the message is beneficial to me or do I even care for it. People are “easy on the trigger” and they keep sending all kind of nonsense – don’t you think?

For weeks I’ve been preparing for the withdrawal and I can tell you that I realized that I’m addicted to the social networks I’ve been loitering on, calling them my “windows to the world.” The real truth is this: I’ve been acting like a junkie addicted to this noise that I wasn’t aware of either.

“Are you ready for another trip to the unknown?” – said the message on my phone, that frankly, came in perfect time – it was an invitation to the charming unknown in which I felt better and better.

My “Sensei” and I met at the airport in Munich, we rented a supercar and went off to Essen. German autobahns are a real delight! Every now and then we entered unlimited speed zones where we drove over 200 km/h but were only average. But best of all is the Ordnung: when there is a 120 km/h zone, every, but every car slows down and follows the speed limit. In this wonderful 21.st century, the navigation system warns you about the speed limit, but also the active participation in this lovely race in which everybody accelerates and slows down simultaneously without any complications. Sometimes, Guylain would know just by the sound of the engine approaching whether it is a Porsche or a Maserati that would leave us behind as if we were driving 60 km/h. All this made me so happy that I had a feeling that I will explode with joy.

When we arrived at the destination that evening, at dinner he held a toast for me as an excellent travel companion; he told me I was light and easy and I told him I was grateful for that he pulled me out of my routine to the exciting unknown. I could talk to him about the things I was learning about now and becoming aware of and that this fellowship is doing us both good. It was over 600 kilometers of the exciting drive with a minimum conversation about the important things for both of us and a lot of pleasant silence. In the last stage of the trip, we were listening to an interesting audiobook.

When we meditated that evening, I don’t know was it because a meditation in s pair is so much more intense or what, I felt such amount of happiness that I could describe it only as an orgasm in my chest – an expression I heard from Dr. Joe Dispenza in the workshop. That happiness stayed with me until the morning when after meditation another evidence arrived that something marvelous is on the way: a mail from a girl I met in Spain, saying Yuri Spilny offered her to be his literary agent for Spain and in return, she offered to be my translator and agent too, as in gratitude for the idea she got from reading my blog. What could I say; it was my dream, and now I read, we could meet in Frankfurt on the biggest book fair where she is meeting Yuri too. I thought I was going to faint reading it, and Guylain comforted me saying not to be so surprised because that is how things are going once you have a clear intention and start doing the inner work.

We spent Saturday in Technoclassica Essen – one of the biggest car shows in Europe that spread on 122 000 m2. I managed to walk through 3 pavilions out of 14 but that was enough for my daily 6 km of walking. It was amazing! All those supercars that I ever wished to see were there: among them, James Bond’s Porsche with the rotating license plates and machine gun, even Cruella De Ville’s car from the 101 Dalmatians movie, and Guylian, being a collector himself, had all the information I wanted to know. The peak of the day was Coy’s auction of the most beautiful and rare cars where the cheapest, a Peugeot oldtimer was sold for 7000 euros and a rare and a beautiful orange colored Lamborghini Miura sold for astonishing 1 270 000 euros to a gentleman bidding over the phone through his representant in the hall.

Also an interesting fully equipped Range Rover previously owned by Juan Carlos King of Spain, sold for 70 000 although the estimated price was from 35 000 – 45 000 euros. I doubt the new owner will need the bulletproof windows and all the other perks, but hey, why not buying such a cool toy if he can afford it.

After the fair, and a tasty dinner we went to the hotel to watch the testimonials from Joe Dispenza’s workshop to lift us up. We both were touched knowing it will happen to us too. Eventually.

Reading Yuri’s book I got my confirmation that women and men are equal except that women are perhaps more talented in feeling and men in reasoning and mentalizing. So when Guy was telling me how he rationally is aware of everything but he wasn’t satisfied with his emotional advancement, I saw the rigor that I knew too well in me. Luckily, it was becoming more and more a matter of the past because I decided to treat myself with love and patience I have with others. I saw the impatience of a businessman who treated himself as a project that he didn’t have much control over. He couldn’t foresee his total recuperation and that unnerved him. I told him:

– I think both our lessons lie in learning to love and completely accept yourself, and obviously we didn’t yet, otherwise, we would be healthy. In psychology that’s called Superego – an internalized parent’s voice that is far more strict and cruel as they never were. You know how Lester Levenson says there are three paths to misery: 1) wanting to survive, 2) wanting to control, 3) want for approval. The approval we are supposed to get from ourselves and the other two can be neutralized by love, remember? We should become our best friend and parent, you know?

– Yes, Sensei – he answered and we both laughed.

I felt like there is something I could give something in return to him and that was priceless and felt better than receiving! I don’t know if my release into “feeling” was this easy because I am a woman or he was just too strict with himself because he was a super successful and his only project over which he hadn’t absolute control over was his recuperation. While he was telling me how he couldn’t really see his progress, it was like hearing myself. He couldn’t give himself approval even for the fact that he was walking again and that by looking at him no one can see the challenge he went through – and all because he didn’t feel completely healed.

– Are you this strict with your associates?

– Of course not, they would all quit.

– It seems to me your own body quit you, as mine has quit me. We rationalize too much, we should feel more and believe that everything has sense and purpose.

– I know that rationally.

– It’s why we’ve met, to remind each other all the time.

– We are very similar in many ways.

– I see we are.

Today I am going home. I hope a little more firm and more resilient to the challenges of everyday life. Yet, every day, the mirage of inner peace and joy seems more real to me.

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