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37. Am I connected to my future or to the memory of the past?

Objavljeno, 9.2.2019. | My Yes to love journey

Sometimes it seems like nothing is changing but I know that can’t be true.

The children of the 21st century love quick fixes. We are used to quick and efficient surgical procedures and good painkillers. Life has become quick and easy. Instead of existential problems, we have psychological problems. Recently I heard a fun statement a psychiatrist said: everyone has a diagnose but not everyone has been examined. Our ancient nervous systems are barely following this expansion of life: our lives have become faster, we are bombarded with information and commercials that are convincing us that we lack only “this” product to be happy. On the social media pages, the influencers are waiting for us to try to foist on as yet another product. We are bombarded by images of happiness that deepen our feeling of not being good enough and that we might need that product to be happy.

I posted a photo from February 2016. and I got a lot of likes and nice comments on Instagram: you’re beautiful, stunning, gorgeous… Šime Eškinja masterfully took this picture and edited it for a front cover of Story magazine that was called “Victory!”. I instantly remembered how bad I have felt and remembered that I squinted my eyes because of the sun and because of the double sightedness I had. I remember the heavy feeling I had that maybe one battle is over but another even heavier awaited me. The photo is beautiful. The facade is polished, the inside is falling apart but only I know that.

Now that I typed this, this thought came to me: And what if now another victory is ahead of me?

It is so easy to lose the vision of the future when your body reminds you every day of where am I now. But all the great people in our history were able to do just that and that is why we admire them. Sometimes I want to cry over myself, like today in the park when I lost balance, almost fell and my foot painfully sprained on the side. But my personality is finding good in everything quicker and quicker: you didn’t fall, looks like your ankle is so flexible that it doesn’t hurt anymore, nobody saw you, and so on… OK – I thought – I love myself for thinking this way.

The fact was that I came back from an exhausting exercise and instead of resting I decided to take a walk in the park with my chihuahua. Since I became compassionate with myself I can easily be compassionate towards other people and her. It is a dog Facebook, after all, filled with statuses like Feeling excited and similar because she was quickly running from one to the other and leaving her own.

I recently heard about an expression “light switch”. It is like a life vest in situations when dark thoughts and emotions wash over you. My “light switches” are my mantra “I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…” that I consistently keep saying all the time because I am curious of the results, my menstrual calendar, some affirmations and our page for Dr. Joe Dispenza students on Facebook. There “my doctor” nicely reminded me yesterday that I have a possibility and skill to move into a different state of consciousness, stay present, self-regulate (the fear) and ask myself: am I still connected to my vision of the future or to the memory of the past?

Lately, as soon as I have a pause between thoughts, my loop automatically starts: I love myself – inhale, I love myself exhale-. I love myself – I thought – I love myself for being so curious, I love myself for not believing in the doctors’ prognosis of my life, I love myself because for being persistent, I love myself for being decisive and for having a strong will, I love myself for being stubborn, I love myself for being positive, I love myself for never giving up, I love myself for having learned so much from this experience, I love myself for loving to read and learn, I love myself for doing this practice, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself, I love myself…

My life can’t change if I don’t change and I am changing and I’m only impatient. And then some old picture comes up and reminds me of how I felt. The first changes are on the inside. As Dr. Joe said: my body is coming out of the past and it has to catch up with where I am already in spirit.

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