25. What is love really?

Objavljeno, 19.10.2018. | My Yes to love journey

I’m in love. With life, then in some people, new friends and goals, I set to myself. And with myself, most of all.

Only now I can say that I live by love; I notice it all around me and then, like a reward, there’s more and more everywhere. I am opening my heart and it seems like other hearts notice it so they open up in front of mine. Yesterday in the gym I met a man who opened his heart so much while talking to me that his eyes filled up with tears so I had to hug him. I thought: his wife is so lucky! What a hunk and so sensitive! Beautiful. This is my type of man, I call it: a lumberjack with a tear in his eye: very masculine yet in touch with his emotions.


I am thinking about love. Does anyone know what’s the deal here? I didn’t. I wanted someone to love me. Then I worked on myself so I wanted to love someone. But I wanted to be mutual. Is that love or just a good arrangement? It’s a condition, right? I say I love you and I mean I need you to be happy. Behave just like I want you to so that I could be happy. You know what I came to realize? I don’t know what love is, I am still learning. How could I think that I could love someone if I didn’t love myself? I thought I love my son while I didn’t love his mother. I thought I loved some men but in fact, I loved how they made me feel. I loved my happiness while I was with them. Now I know it was not love but interest.


If your happiness depends on anyone or anything, that’s not happiness. That’s anxiety. That’s tension. That’s pressure. That’s fear.


That’s why I started loving myself first, to avoid being fake. We need to start with ourselves. Anthony De Mello says there is only on need, only one emotional need and that is to love. Nothing else. Without expecting anything in return. We say love and it is really attachment.


Attachment says: I love you so you have to love me back and make me happy.


Isn’t that just a good deal? Would you love your child if it didn’t love you back? I will reformulate this: do you love your next of kin when they love you in a different way that you would want them to?


True love says: I love you, therefore I want you to be happy. If that includes me – great, but if not it doesn’t matter as long as you are happy.


My god, what a lesson was that! I wished to experience true love and I fell in love with a man who wanted to have kids. I didn’t because I already had that experience. Suddenly I found myself in front of the decision: do I love him or do I love myself more? Will I give up on myself just to not lose him or will I let him go to be happy with someone else who also want’s the same? I chose myself but it wasn’t easy. My ego squealed and screamed in agony. My ego hoped that he would renounce his wishes so that we could stay together (instead of me doing it). Very selfish of me, isn’t it? We remained friends. We love each other and wish only the best for one another. What we have is too worthy to lose it because of the ego.


Anthony De Mello nicely put it:

They say that love is blind. Rubbish. There’s nothing so clear-sighted as love. It’s the attachment that is blind. Because it’s stupid.Because it’s based on false belief. And they call that love? “I’m in love with you. I love you.” What? You love me, or you love yourself? You know what “in love” means? “In love” means: “I’m possessive of you”. To be “in love with you” means: “I want you for me; I’m not going to be happy without you: I emotionally depend on you; I can’t be happy without you.

That’s a drug. That’s a disease. Your culture and mine tells us it’s the supreme virtue. That’s garbage, but who dares to say this? You’re blind. You’re full of yourself when you are in love. Ever thought of that? You don’t see the other person; you’ve projected a hopeful image onto that person and that’s what you’re loving. Hopeful. When we’re not expecting anything from the other person, we don’t say we’re in love.


People often ask me: How do you feel now that your son lives with his dad? Or: How could you let him go? These questions are asked by people who are confusing love with attachment. I love my son and I want him to be happy. If the time has come that he is happier living in Ljubljana with his dad, I blessed his decision without hesitating. Did it hurt me? Don’t worry, I’m only human and my ego screamed. But I didn’t show my son in order to never doubt that I will love him regardless of his decisions.


You know what? Ideally, two people would come together that are completely fulfilled and accomplished so that they can enjoy each other. They should have similar goals and they should be looking in the same direction and not in each other’s eyes. They should resemble two trees growing next to each other but not too close so that they don’t stand in each other’s shade.

Now I want to learn this lesson.

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