I feel free from the gloomy feeling of fighting an autoimmune condition for years, and from barely catching my breath while I’m wearily swimming in the rough sea of life, cautiously avoiding the water from getting into my throat. I feel love and gratitude for that me who 6 years ago, got a diagnose but she didn’t believe in the prognosis. That me who fought and believed in the impossible. When I was in the MRI machine in 2012., I felt a presence in the deafening sound of the device. Then I thought I was communicating with a being that clearly “said”: everything will be alright. I remember feeling flushed by this feeling of peace, comfort, and love. It’s hard not to believe that overwhelming pleasant feeling of peace while the hard-core drum&bass/electro fusion sounds of the MRI were blasting in my ears. Dr. Joe Dispenza says the linear time doesn’t exist and that everything exists simultaneously in the quantum field of possibility. I read that in Vadim Zealand’s books some time ago so this sank into my understanding more easily. In the tube of the MRI, I believed that I was “talking” to an Angel but now when I think of it, I think that that encouraging presence was the future Anđa.
You can stop reading now if it’s too confusing because I will continue.
Hm, she was really nice and interesting and I decided that I have nothing to lose if I surrender to this possibility that like many other possibilities exists in the quantum field. Quantum physics really is nonsense because you can only experience it without senses. I can warmly recommend you to watch the movie “What the bleep do we know?” because it’s always best for you to draw your own conclusions. I decided to believe this “nonsense”, determined to give my all this weekend.
The ticket was $350 and I thought naively that there is going to be a hundred of us, but that many people were already standing in line for registration, in front of me. 700 people in the Westin Hotel Conference hall. 450 from Croatia and groups of people from all around the world: Mexico, Tanzania, USA, Great Brittain, Australia, India, Malaysia, Denmark, Belgium, South Africa, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Serbia, Hungary, Sweden… It was a room full of people who meditate and believe that we create our lives by our thoughts. People who, like me, refused to believe in the prediction of their lives and decided to create a new personality and therefore create a new personal reality.
Day by day, people are eating more or less the same food ingredients, cook the same meals, wash their teeth first up on the right side, they take the same route to go to work, watch the same TV shows, sleep on the same side of the bed, etc… They have the same rituals before going to bed, and tomorrow they repeat it once again. Therefore they have 95% of the same thoughts like yesterday, but they are still hoping that something new and unexpected will happen. Get it? Nothing new can happen to you if you don’t make space for new habits and behaviors. When we registered for this workshop, we got 9 hours of video we had to watch, practice at least 2 meditations that, I see now, prepared us to this marathon of learning and meditation, and it was obligatory to read the book “Breaking the habit of being yourself”, so that everything he will talk about on this workshop is familiar to us, kind of like repetition and affirmation of that matter. After Dr. Joe explained a concept to us, he asked us to poke the person next to us and explain what have we understood. While we were explaining to one another, we “cemented” our new knowledge while commenting and talking about them. The conference hall was full of people that had, like me, prepared for this by learning for months. We knew all the answers to the questions he asked, and when he asked:
– And how do I know this?- the whole room shouted in one voice:
– Because you measured it!
Dr. Joe explained to us that learning is making new synaptic connections in the brain and that repeating that new information only strengthens those connections so that they can become familiar, second nature, automatic. He showed us how anxiety and fear look in our brains, and how the brain is shutting down areas while being in the survival mode (of stress) and he told us about the toxic chemicals our body is releasing while having those emotions and when it’s ready to fight/flight or freeze (our ancient survival mechanism of the oldest part of the brain). The body is flushed with cortisol (a very inflammatory hormone) that will if we are wounded, fester the wound and stop us from bleeding to death. And sadly, the body doesn’t know that the stress is caused by a fight with your spouse and not the real danger of tiger attack. I can’t even start to describe you how it all made sense to me and how actively I was paying attention to the lecture knowing that in every instant he could ask us to turn to the person next to us and explain. There was a passionate conversation every time he asked us to explain to the person next to us, and actually, it was a feeling of joyous classroom atmosphere, in a school everybody is excited to go to and is absolutely thrilled when they learn something new. It was just beautiful.
After every pause and before the workshop would start, there was a one-song dance and 700 people in the room were on their feet (it was an American sound technician who made sure we had an audio-visual spectacle), and that is the custom after every break so that the energy in the room lifts before we return to our seats.
I DON’T DANCE since this (MS) happened to me because I felt irritated by my uncoordinated movements that I can’t even control, but this man was smiling so brightly while he held my hand and lifted me to join him and he just said: I will hold you. There was something assuring and authoritative in his voice so I didn’t resist. We were dancing pleasantly and I felt joy and surprise for it wasn’t so hard (as I believed).
During the last meditation, Dr. Joe told us to put our awareness in the center of our head, in space – so that we can detach from our identities. So we can become nobody, no-one, no time, no diagnose and no problems. Just to be. For the last ten days, I meditate every morning and before I go to sleep. It took me days to beat boredom and annoyance but after this weekend I can’t wait to meditate. I woke up at 6 am to make it today, and it was wonderful.
In that meditation there, I have experienced complete and unconditional love for myself that I saw standing on a heart-shaped rock in a strange universe above a void, surrounded by the void that felt like love – and in the next moment, I had the perspective of me looking down into the emptiness below my feet. I wasn’t afraid. I felt comfort and love and I realized the woman I was seeing was me from the time in the hospital, 6 years ago. Dr. Joe was asking us can we teach our body the feeling of courage and faith and my eyes teared up from the feeling of gratitude and joy and the immense love I felt for that old self that I am here because of. I felt gratitude for my whole life. I blessed my past that turned into wisdom and declared that I was in love with my life.
When the workshop was over and we were leaving the room, that man I was dancing with approached me and asked:
– Are you going to the Advanced Workshop Retreat?
– Yes, definitely! I would love to!
– And to which one, Santorini or Berlin?
– Oh, I don’t know yet. I have to manifest the money.
– Then allow me to invite you to Berlin.
– Where are you from?
– I’m Canadian. Currently working in Switzerland and Germany, so I prefer to go to Berlin. You can be my guest there.
– You are joking!?
– I am serious. It’s not a problem for me.
– But, why?
– A few years ago I had an accident, I got between two cars in a frontal crash. For 2 years I’ve been in the wheelchair, I went from that to a walker, cane and now I’m a budybuilder. I walk normally and all but I still have no sense in my right quadriceps.
– You don’t have yet! – I said.
– Yes, thanks to this work I am here today. When I saw you walking around with your cane, looking so bright and smiling, I was touched because I exactly know where you are right now.
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I will get back to you soon from the next “episode” because things are getting wilder by the moment and this is quite enough for one blog. 50 shades brighter. Bye!