The week after the (Joe Dispenza) progressive workshop has passed in sweet disbelief (that I successfully ignored) and the pleasant anticipation of change that I felt with my whole being. I still meditate twice a day. I decided to embark on to the unknown because that is the only thing that I didn’t try yet and, believe me, I have tried a lot of things.
On this path, I found that the beliefs are the ones that mold our lives and that many of them are imposed, harmful and limiting. I came to understand that on this planet everything is possible and that this world is “heaven on earth” for some people and at the same time, hell for others, and that there is no one who would evaluate our deeds as good or bad but our innate feeling for right, the one we feel with our whole being. I came to know that I am not conscious enough to fathom the concept of God, but I have experienced that God is. I have an issue with that name and the God created by human understanding but imagine I m talking about the life force (and the system of the universe) that is behind everything in us and around us. I realized that the human explanation of God is kind of like we ask a fish to explain the water it swims in.
I have attended rituals that I have only seen in the movies before and understood that everything that a person believes in – exists, it’s real for her. Now I know the information that memory is actually 50% made up of our brain that is interpreting everything based on its capacity of understanding and knowlege ( level of conscience). I figured out that the person’s “awakening” is always accordant to her level of stubbornness and that I needed just this condition (diagnose) and nothing less – because I wouldn’t snap out of the self-destructive program I was in. Until recently, I only suspected that there might be a deeper cause to my physical condition and that very likely there is a possibility that I have destroyed my body with my destructive thoughts. For years I lived in a survival mode and thereby poisoned my body with toxic chemicals. I just sensed it, but now I attained knowledge that it is exactly what happened.
It’s been since last spring when I’ve decided to become my own Epigenetics and Psychoneuroimmunology experiment, that my life gradually became a miracle. Now I know that there is no universal formula I can follow to heal, but that there are thousands of correct paths. This is mine, and mine only and only I can be my best friend and teacher.
Until now, I never understood what they meant when they said: if you meditate and you change your vibration – expect that your life will change too.
We were racing through the tunnels beneath Swiss Alps on our way to the destination my companion chose. I didn’t have the slightest idea of what I got myself into, but I refused to think about what is happening to me. I’ve decided to completely shut off the reasoning. I knew that this has never happened to me and that my brain would only assume based on what it knows or I’ve heard somewhere. I boasted to you, a few times, that I’ve decided to become a YesToAll woman and to say YES to things instead of NO, and instead with my reason to just go with the heart. Its a charming and dramatic declaration, but it isn’t easy to accomplish at all. It made me think of Jim Carey’s character in the Yes, man film. So when I got the question: are you ready for the unknown? The only question that I asked myself was: How do I feel right now? – and that is how I got here, in this glowing river of car lights that was flowing in the brightly lighted, and sometimes half-open (on one side) Swiss tunnels. I was amused and amazed by numerous signs for exits that said up and down(!) but my companion explained that Switzerland is ready to survive the nuclear war ever since the atomic bombs fell on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. That’s why every house and building has its private bunker. Later my friend who we met for lunch had explained that the Swiss get an anti-radiation pill in the mailbox together with the instructions, every time there is a threat (last time they got it when there were tensions between the USA and North Korea).
The whole weekend passed by in, at times almost unbearable lightness of coexistence. Unbearable and frightening to me, because we people are programmed to expect the worst, playing worst scenarios in our heads, pretending to prepare for it. I felt like Karate-Kid or more like Kung-Fu Panda, stumbling over the realizations of my misbeliefs as I became aware of them, but I did my best to be present and accept everything with an open heart and mind. He read parts of books that he loved and learned most from to me and he told me how it all came to a realization – “I connected the dots”. That conversation was like between a student and a first-grader but he was patient with me and waited for everything to sink in with me and to come to the conclusions myself.
We exercised in a warm salt water pool and swam in the outdoor freshwater pool with only our heads out on -9C. He told me and taught me how he brought life back into his body after his accident and described me what is actually happening when my leg trembles disobediently and that it is only happening because my muscles and nerves forgot how to communicate. I found out that my walking is just an “easy way out” because I’m using totally different circuits of muscles and that I am lying to myself if I think I was exercising. He took the time and patiently showed me exercises and waited for me to write down everything. He suggested I make a plan and to stick to it and constantly ask myself (preferably in the mirror) – How much do I really want to change?
It was emotional and I managed to hang in there somehow up until one evening he showed me a print mail that he got from “his teacher”, an inspiring author/philosopher whose book he read to me from. He has a custom to successfully make contact with everyone he wants, saying that it’s just a matter of decision. I was reading that lengthy email aloud and on the third page, I couldn’t hold it in anymore so I started to cry. Yuri Spilny was writing to him about forgiveness, not for the benefit of the other person, but for your own. I bitterly realized that the only person I didn’t forgive is ME, and that hurt beyond anything.
– Anđa, you are overanalzing what has happened to you and you are desperately clinging to the past. Let it go. You have to let go of the old so you can be someone new.
– I have attached myself to this identity…
– Anđa, your exercises – you have to measure them! Why do you think Joe Dispenza made it possible? Because he measures everything, has proof and doesn’t doubt. You need a spreadsheet with columns with names of your exercises. Then you do them every day and you put a star next to every date. I do it. And the more passionate you get about measuring your advance the more you’ll achieve.
I was quiet for a few moments.
– So, there is no easy-way-out of this for me?
– You have to do the work, Anđa! No one will do it for you.
– I wasted so much time!
-Anđa! Don’t go back to the past, it doesn’t exist anymore. Today you can start again!
– You realize you came as a teacher to me and a companion on this journey? I feel as if I met my mentor.
– It seems the saying When the student is ready, the master comes is true– he laughed.
– You are so right, Sensei. Thank you for everything – I replied.
– For me, it’s a serving principle. The question is: how may I serve? That’s it.
Every morning at 6 and before going to sleep, we meditated, I exercised walking and my ability to focus. I learned how to be more present in my movements and I felt the coherence of my brain and body. Once again, just like when we first met, he commanded me to walk looking straight ahead and explained it is a decision. And I obeyed once again and suddenly everything became sensibly easier and simpler. I had to remind myself constantly not to rationalize everything that was happening to me and I have willingly stepped into the unknown. Total Karate-Kid training, believe me. Next episode: Berlin Joe Dispenza advanced workshop and a bunch of new materials to learn so that we can step into the field of possibilities more easily.
And here the story goes on, but this is quite enough for one blog. I wish you a pleasant rest of the week.