Are male-female friendships even possible or am I deceiving myself? Ok, not male-female in general, but friendships between hetero people of different sexes?
Yesterday I met a guy, a friend of my acquaintance with whom I met at noon for coffee and to give him my book for her daughter because he planned to visit her soon (she lives in another city). I don’t know how, but we said goodbye 14 hours later. The time flew by. We had lunch together, we laughed and drank three bottles of wine. It was the weekend so I slept long and I really liked finding his messages in the morning: Please let me know if you are ok. what’s the name of that book you told me about?… and so on. He does this Dispenza’s work with meditations too so we had a lot of common themes to talk about. He didn’t know anything about me because he is a foreigner and I love to meet new people as a “tabula rasa” – that is why I love going to the YesToAll parties abroad so much.
He told me about how much it unnerves him to constantly break up relationships with women he never actually was in a relationship with. But, a boiling point happens when she tells him that she doesn’t see him as just a friend and then it all usually ends up with breaking up all contact because that is a classic way of punishing the person who didn’t fulfill all your expectations. that’s how it goes in male-female friendships, and recently I experienced it again myself.
What exactly is understood when nothing is said up front? And is it even possible for people to bring out their intentions up ahead? (Although it would be fair). And, is it a case of reading between the lines or is it simply a rule (like my friend would say): There is no such thing as a free lunch! I don’t agree with that! I got so many “free lunches”, but now to come to think of it, I have to ask myself: Did all those men expect something in return? Probably some of them did because I never heard of them again and one of them even changed his number what I realized after I called to say thanks for the beautiful trip. That guy obviously expected something more.
I always had the conviction that my company and my friendship were totally worth it and that a man shouldn’t expect an additional thanks – especially if we didn’t agree on it in advance! But that is that mistake I do when I’m drawing conclusions based on myself and when from the people that fascinated me I don’t expect anything else but to remain like that and that we keep having fun and to keep hanging out with me. But, we’re all different and I think that that definitely depends on the degree of personal development, gentlemanhood, and overall politeness.
A few years ago, after my divorce, I was in a relationship with a guy that I hopelessly fell in love with. You know those relationships where one partner loves more? Now there’s a question of was that love of mine mature at all or it was an immature way of demanding the other person to make up and fulfill all my lacks. That was exactly our case. I got divorced and thought that I won’t survive if anyone else leaves me. I associated my self-worth with will anyone love me. I must have burdened him with that immensely because I just came out of a relationship very hurt and heartbroken on many levels. Later, when he also left me I realized I’m nevertheless still alive and that I survived another abandonment. I was becoming stronger!
We separated after a little over a year of passionate relationship and he friend-zoned me. We remained (so-called) friends, even not for real, up until I healed emotionally. I still think that this abandonment was one of the triggers for my illness that happened less than a year after. Two big abandonments in a short time and the sad child custody battle on the court. Every illness has it’s root in some emotion that is tearing you apart on the inside. Now, I have to emphasize that nor him nor my ex-husband did anything to me – I did it all myself with my thoughts and emotions.
When I got home from the long hospital stay, he returned to my life again and we are still very close today. Maybe best friends although there’s a deep love between us and I have to say that our relationship is better now than ever. Besides, we are like a family – to my son he was always like a stepfather/friend because unlike us they never broke up.
But I needed time for that. At the time I began my inner work/personal development, I stopped laying claim on him, healed my ego and today I don’t know what would I do without a friend like him. But, me today and me eight years ago are two different women. I’m telling you that I like myself so much better now. The truth is this: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
Do you know that all my partners left me and broke up the relationship, not me? I only broke up with my first boyfriend ever and the last one. There wasn’t a fight or anything like that, but there also was no love anymore.
All relationships are complicated. The other day my bisexual girlfriend told me that it’s much harder to break up with a girl than a guy. A relationship with a woman is much more complex she said. There were a few of us there, all girls that prefer girls and a few of them who had been with a guy confirmed it’s just like that. Then I stupidly asked how it’s like when their periods matched and is it a battlefield in the house when they’re both in PMS. Uugh, sticks and stones – they told me my question is really stupid and that it isn’t like that. They told me that there is also a bigger empathy then because your partner exactly knows what are you going through. Hm, yes it makes sense…
I still don’t have an answer to my question but I think there is no rule and that friendship greatly depends on the spiritual level of the protagonists. Just like in all relationships after all. No one can give us love if we don’t have it in us first. And the ego? He is the one that’s hurt and that breaks up all contacts.