9. Sometimes I wonder…

Objavljeno, 27.4.2018. | My YesToAll journey

My last thought before I opened my laptop was that people are an ill-bred gang but then I remembered that it was just my ego that believes it is separated from everyone else. If they are that than I am that because I am them and they are me. We are one. (I wonder if this idea resonates with you like it does with me…)

Last week (probably my last week’s lesson), I was struggling with the terrifying noesis that I am very fragile as a being. Terrifying because to me it is the scariest to feel helpless and just when I thought I reached a level of stability the winds on the ocean of life rocked my boat pretty hard. I might’ve learned how to drive my boat but I need an L sign and at least a few more weeks (or months) of virtual instructor’s assistance. I really am a beginner that has her pants shaking like a new driver’s are when he is passing beside a truck in a tunnel. They say we have 7 bodies besides our physical body and I think my emotional body is like a trembling mist with PTSD (no offense to the people actually having this diagnose).

I am sensitive as a mimosa, and although I’m not a florist and I have no experience with this flower, it sounds pretty vulnerable to me. In comparison with who I used to be before, my sensitivity became evident when I discarded my defense mechanism that was like a spiky armor that always made me ready to fight.

Yesterday I was reminded of that by the quote of Abraham Hicks:

When it feels to you as if someone is pushing your button, realize that you are the one with a great big button out there that is just begging to be pushed. If you don?t put it out there, no one will push it.

Yes, that is who I was. Like a firecracker, a dynamite with an extra short fuse, I was always ready to explode. To be completely honest with you, I almost joyously expected that. Now I know that my body was addicted to the biochemistry of those emotions, convinced that it was my character trait. I see that I am an HSP (high sensitivity person) that armed herself trying to hide her frailty and fear (just like a cactus), and the attack is always the best defense, isn’t it?

The demonstration of force is always a sign of weakness covered up with pretended courage expressed by demonstration of force.

Think about those armed bullies – don’t they look like scared little kids that are afraid of their own shadow? They do to me because I understand them. I was (am) just like them.

But what started this avalanche of thoughts in me today? A few things like the pictures of Macron’s 30 years older wife on my Facebook and the mean comments about the two of hem.

It made me angry that the people are in their business but actually, the right question is – why are these people my business?

Secondly, it was a sturdy taxi driver that agitated me that, while he was driving me to my destination, was telling me his sickness history while providing me his whole family’s obituaries in detail.

Such a big man whining like a little girl and telling me, a person with a cane, all this, hoping that he will find a like-minded person in me who understands and will moan with him about life’s injustice.

The poor guy got just the opposite and I wondered aren’t I just like a landmine that blows into the faces of the coincidental (although I don’t believe in coincidence) passers-by?

The third trigger was the driver that was blowing the horn madly on the street where I drank my coffee. A trash truck was loading the containers in front of him and he couldn’t pass. In the past, I would yell at him and threaten to break his windshields with my cane if he doesn’t stop that – so my girlfriend reminded me that the day will come that I won’t even notice that and all will pass by me as if it wasn’t my business.

And that is true. Self-development is like gardening. I don’t know where I heard that but it’s the best explanation that I heard. I imagine it like I had sewn the seeds of tomatoes, cucumbers, potatoes, fruit and beautiful flowers and I picked out the weeds and patiently watered my garden. I say patiently because even in those days when everything seemed too slow and that there still are no sign of changes, I didn’t go there and scream at my fields: come out now!!! I know you are in there!!! now that I already have a beautiful garden filled with products and beautiful blossoming flowers, I see that now I even got more work on my hands to keep the garden beautiful. A lot more watering to do and labor around weed to keeps growing like crazy.

When you have a beautiful garden, or you have accomplished something in self-development you have even more work to do to maintain that beauty.

This last week (month) was a real challenge to me. It was probably because of digging in myself (gardening) and the effort to transform all the painful memories to love and to release, and all of my long forgotten demons resurfaced and attacked me in my dreams. Crazy dreams mixed with insomnia that I never faced before. Lately, I’m even waking up tired. Then I wonder if this task I undertook a little too much for me?

But I know that there is no way back. And a welcome change (like a fragnant exotic flower in my garden of personality) is my new-found patience and gentleness toward myself. I’m compassionate with myself that had been through a lot lately. But I am going forward with everything.

Life is a journey. It is is not reaching some destination it is not a goal. Life is traveling and traveling is the goal.Without Freedom life is a wheel of desire, hope, disappointment, and suffering, with smiles displayed on television screens, billboards and websites.

Levenson, Lester. Wisdom by Lester: Lester Levenson’s Teachings with Introduction and Commentary by Yuri Spilny, Kindle Edition.

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