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28. Only I know how I feel

Objavljeno, 9.11.2018. | My YesToAll journey

My dad. How he unnerved me just now! I’m watching a super video on acceptance on YouTube and my father enters my room bringing me a super sour tea with a trace of honey because I asked for the tea not to be too sweet (we use a kilo of honey per week). Now the tea was so sour as if he squeezed a whole lemon into it instead of honey although I told him that I am on a new therapy and I’ve been told to avoid sour foods. His response:

 

– Oh, leave me alone with your foolishness that’s how mommy tried everything and look how she ended up. You too say I’m better, I’m getting better and I just can’t see what is better…

– Dad, the doctor on the committee for establishing the level of disability couldn’t believe that I look so well while looking into my findings. I should’ve been in the wheelchair four years ago according to the official diagnose.

– Just wait and see. You too will end up just like her.

– What? On the cemetery?

– Yes, sadly.

 

My mom died three years ago of cancer and up until the end she believed in healing. She was a positive, optimistic and a joyous woman. Come to think of it, I really don’t know what she believed but she wasn’t sad but happy and she would often comfort me not to worry about her because she feels great and that everything will be as it is supposed to be. My dad and my two brothers were absolutely horrified when she declined chemo and radiation (they told her they wouldn’t work anyway), but I was on her side because the first thing what I thought of was that I wouldn’t want that right taken away from me either. I really think that living and dying the way you want is one of the fundamental rights of a human being. But the “boys” in the family thought that her behavior was madness.

 

I remember just a few months after she passed I had a feeling that she did it on purpose just to confront my dad with his children. She was our bond to him. All the time she was his PR and an interpreter to our wishes and emotional states. With her leaving my optimism became a sign of madness and self-deception.

 

– But mom and I are not the same.

– No, you’re not, but she also believed in all sorts of things…

I remembered the video I just watched:

– OK, dad, I get it, you didn’t know. Please, I have to avoid sour foods.

– But lemon is the healthiest acid there is!

– You’re right. Please add a little honey – and he left the room.

 

I felt crappy and proud at the same time. Proud because I saw what was I doing and where was the conversation leading to, and crappy because my dad just “punctuated my ballon”. He thinks that I am deluding myself and that my state is worsening – especially because of the recent incidents I had – and he sees what he sees. My daddy doesn’t notice my emotional transformation. It is not his domain.

 

Let’s say if my dad’s operating system reads Floppy discs and I am a Mini USB. He doesn’t understand my programming language. And to me, his programming language is so simple that it is up to me to “understand” him. My OS is more advanced and I am constantly upgrading it that’s why I have to understand that he just sees me falling and hurting myself, that he sees an ill daughter that believes in “alternative” medicine just as her mom did and it “lead” her to death. I should see that it’s all a secondary reaction – that mistrust and the ridicule of my beliefs and the way I approach this illness are primarily just a fear for the life of his child. Yes, I should but it isn’t easy.

 

It is not easy for me to remain optimistic. I live with my father who often reminds me that I am deluding myself and my brothers are mega concerned for me since our mom passed away and they are seriously doubting my path of healing. When I come to think of it, they probably think I have lost my mind and that I am delusional. However, they are more advanced operating systems than our dad so they did notice my emotional change. Again, what is behind that? Fear of losing the last female in the family.

 

The other day my cousin told me that I could get an assistant because according to my diagnose I have the right to have one.

– But I quit using airport wheelchair assistance because I don’t want to use the benefits of the state I want to change! I walk for miles through the terminals! What assistant? What for?

– I’m just saying that you have a right to have one, even just temporarily.

– but then I am only postponing the moment I will become completely self-dependent and…

Then I realized that everybody sees things through their perspective and beliefs.

 

Only I know how I really feel. Only I see and live the change I experienced. I am the only expert for my health condition and all the doctors and healers can only be my professional advisors. I am equipped with the best guidance system for my best benefit there is – and that is my emotions. That is the answer to the question: And how do I feel right now? That is the way.

Now for the conclusion I remember that I typed my first book “Afra” with one eye closed (Because of double-vision) and with the index finger on my right hand because my right side of the body was almost useless. I took the first stroll outside of the house alone on the 1st of January 2016. (before I didn’t dare to go out alone and besides, I didn’t have enough strength either).

 

And how do I feel now? My whole being is telling me that I am on the right path. On my path.

Funny but in moments like this the first thing that comes into my mind is the Wright brothers and their dream about flying. They were surely considered sad lunatics by their members of their family. Like all the inventors, visionaries and dreamers as well. And where we would all be if they weren’t like that, huh? Maybe I am discovering something too. Maybe my path will inspire someone too.

How do I feel now?

Very good. My emotional GPS is in a peaceful bliss. I imagine it like the GPS is quiet and my emotional potentiometer is in emerald green. And this is the only thing that’s important for my life, do you agree?

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