3. Transforming the past into love

Objavljeno, 12.3.2018. | My YesToAll journey

My trip to the “unknown” was full of impressions and I continued to surf on my wave of change. I felt good so “I kicked myself in the butt” and did the work.

I made a spreadsheet, gave my exercises names and started to put in stars. It was really hard the first 7 days, my resistance was intense but in spite of it I stayed consistent although my mind was rollicking and bursting thoughts like “come on, rest a little more, you’re tyred, you can start tomorrow, tomorrow is a better day for that, you’ve got so many emails you have to respond to…” etc. Now the question is this: who here is I, who is my mind and who is the observer? Very complex, isn’t it?

Determined to leave the routine and my comfort zone, I said yes to my new friend’s invitation to visit her for a few days, not aware that now, this open for learning and insights, I was racing towards more. When Guylain (“Sensei”) asked where was I going I told him that I’m going to teach my friend how to meditate which is also a step to the unknown and that I will stay consistent and do all the new habits I introduced to my life.

– That is very good. – he said.

I traveled with a car-share app because it was also “unknown”. During the drive I tried to be present and listen to my interlocutors from the perspective of love and compassion: they are human beings like me, full of questions and fears, and often harmful beliefs. All the way I kept asking myself: Hov do I feel right now?, and without much thinking, I just felt my way through the experience. I had a nice time and only in a few hours, we reached the sea.

I met Ines on Instagram. 3 things bonded us: 1. she is an artist, 2. we’re both wrestlings with an autoimmune condition, and 3. maybe most of all her openness to self-observing and discovering the cause beneath. I thought I found an interlocutor but she turned out to be so much more. During those few days with her and her family, I experienced a powerful but enlighting being an observer experience, aa so-called “transfer”.

Seeing them, I saw my own family but from the neutral perspective of the observer who “sees” how all the participants feel like and where do their reactions come from.

It was a wacky experience because her parents are physically and morally resembling mine. I tried to stay joyous independent of what was going on around me and slowly but continuously discovered a few more deep and harmful beliefs while becoming more and more aware of how much I still analyze and spastically hold on to the past.

We spent the First evening on a party at her friends’ house and it was lovely even though Ines felt strong pain and I knew that I can’t help her so I was observing my anxiety. Before I went to sleep, I meditated alone later wondering if my mission will be accomplished? Then I remembered Dr. Joe’s words in the meditation:

“And now, let go of everything and surrender it to a higher consciousness to take care of it…”

(I know, this concept is too simple for our human mind who loves enigma and the hassle and thinks that it’s too good to be true).

The Second day Ines didn’t sleep well and her whole body was in pain, so I found myself unready in the vehemence of the other persons’ pain and the feeling of absolute powerlessness.

I saw myself from a few years ago and found that it’s much harder to look at a sick person than being sick myself, although, at the time I thought it was worst for me.

Observing Ines with her family I understood how hard it was for my parents to watch their very sick child and that their words that hurt me came from a place of fear and despair. I was transforming those memories into Love and I felt relief.

Ines and I both like to be alone so I had time for reading.

Yuri Spilny, “The Lion moves alone”:

“It often happens that someone gets confused with an obvious paradox: he became very happy, but that happiness quickly evaporates because that success has already happened, and it’s in the past.

The mind is already moving past that success; now it desires something else, hopes for a bigger success.

Your mind will always find excuses; it will forever try to postpone this life-saving decision because it is the King of ignorance in your dreamland. It feels comfortable in the environment it created; it loves its creation including a squirrel wheel.

Yet happiness doesn’t depend on success, but (true) Success depends on Happiness. Andrew Carnegie clearly saw this by the time he was 33 years old. It was this realization that made him decide to quit the business and redistribute his wealth.”


Ines knocked on the door of my room and I gladly came out. While she apologized for feeling so bad, telling me angrily how surprised she is by her body’s sudden reaction and sabotage – I saw myself in the past passionately explaining my condition to everyone around me and I remembered the squirrel wheel… Like an annalist, I was reporting about my condition to everyone around me constantly analyzing what is happening to me (squirrel wheel). I painfully remembered the time I was this frightened and powerless like she was and a feeling of gratitude for being here where I am now overwhelmed me and I wondered if this might be this week’s insight – to see where I was and where I am now. Wow.

We made tea and ate dried fruit and Ines desired we meditate. She enjoyed it and from now on we meditated together: before going to sleep and at 6.15 in the morning, and after we would return to bed to snooze.

Third day: after the morning meditation, Ines told me that she slept well and that we could go to a town nearby, to her favorite coffee place that has a beautiful terrace above the sea. It was a beautiful sunny day, but very windy so we sat inside among the smokers who were barely 18 years old. It made me pretty annoyed but Ines warned me not to waste my precious energy. We had a nice time together and we decided to have a glass of grappa as well. We successfully ignored the smoke for a while until we felt sick and went home.

That last evening a so-called “Breakthrough” happened. Ines told me that with her whole body she felt like she got the power of her intention back. While she was telling me about the overflowing feeling of clarity and the absence of fear, I knew: Ines took the control back! That evening she meditated sitting up straight for the first time and we both enjoyed her victory because she couldn’t sit for days. She told me that I am the teacher now – which sounded really strange because I could still vividly remember when I couldn’t hold my spine straight so I transformed that memory into Love too.

Try to imagine the act of transforming a painful memory into Love like an intense feeling of relief and remember that we forgive not for the sake of other but our own benefit.


I just came home. Again, I traveled with the same app and it was great even though I experienced the closest car crash that didn’t happen. 9th of March is my new birthday. A driver on the two-lane motorway came in between us and the truck we were trying to pass. The driver, Dr. Mickey reacted superbly and I guess if we weren’t in a powerful Audi, we wouldn’t get out of this in one piece. Strangely enough, even this couldn’t alter my good mood that lasts and lasts…


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