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27. Everything happens for a reason

Objavljeno, 1.11.2018. | My YesToAll journey

Today I went out with the intention to let the story find me knowing that the best writing happens when I don’t write.

 

My week was filled with physical pain combined with joy and thrill and I felt like it is all in some kind of harmony and balance. So I didn’t focus on the search of reasoning for my constant fallings and the repeated injuries on the same ankle but this third time was crucial.

 

Life will begin whispering to us. Then she will speak louder if we do not pay attention and do not listen. She will start screaming if we really do not listen. This is when the whole metaphorical brick walls of our lives can come crashing down as life begins to yell.

Mounina Bouna Aly: Receiving the healing gift in MS

 

I sat on the pavement in front of my building and moaned because this was the third time I strained the same ankle this week. A few men stood around me that rushed to help me leaving their coffee tables but I declined to say that I can’t stand up yet and I assured them I’m fine and that it’s not cold at all sitting on the ground because I had my coat on. I noticed that it was a beautiful sunny day across the street and that the Indian summer was still on and my moaning soon turned to laugh. The men who were offering me help were a little startled by it and I guess I convinced them I have lost my mind a little but I fall so often that it’s really hilarious. At least to me. I’ve broken two toilet seats (with my but), I broke the radiator switch with my back, the dishwasher door because I fell on it while it was open and a lot of glasses and plates.
– How are you going to go further?
– The same as always. I just need to wait for the pain to go away so I can stand on my foot again. Don’t worry – the man sighed and went back to his table.

 

They asked Buddha once: What did you get from meditation?
– Nothing. But I’ll tell you what I lost: anger, anxiety, depression, fear of getting old and fear of death.

 

Here’s what meditation brought me: I became more patient, forgiving (even to myself), present, conscious, willful, more giving and selfless and loving. I didn’t hate myself once this week and I didn’t fall back into my old personality who would be angry at myself and then curse life or blame others nor did I compare myself to anyone. But still, I didn’t immerse myself into the meaning of these fallings…

 

A week ago I fell while climbing the stairs because my cane slipped. I got two stitches and I obediently changed the bandages on the right leg (affected by my disease) and thought (a little) what was my body trying to tell me? Probably to slow down. To not to take two stairs at once. To be present in what I was doing… I didn’t go to the emergency right away because I had a radio interview and my father poured a deciliter of rakija on my wound and that hurt so much that I didn’t want to risk stitching and I hoped that it’s just a bruise that happens to bleed heavily. But in the morning when the bleeding stopped I saw a big hole like an eye gaping above my ankle and watched me. Then I finally went to the emergency.

 

I waited in a crowded waiting room and watched the weird sign above the reception counter that had a few letters missing: RECEP..O. or something like that. The waiting room looked depressing but I guess a place with so many “broken” people can’t look joyous, but it was tidy and clean. It was my turn quickly. The surgery looked even worse. The tables where they received urgent patients were divided by curtains so I could hear the Mrs moaning from behind. I thought how happy we all are because there are people who work here and want to work here because what would we do if there weren’t any? I said it out loud and everybody just looked me in wonder because they didn’t expect that. They were used to criticizing because that fits more into the common small talk of the times we live in nowadays.

 

And although my kind of wounds are stitched in right in they didn’t send me home because I was stupid and only made their work more difficult, they stitched my wound. I told them I was grateful for their work here and their will to help us and that they’re angels without wings. They didn’t know what to do with it. A week later when I returned to have the stitches removed the moment they told me to take better care of myself I fell off the table when I tried to get up. And while a bunch of worried nurses and surgeons tried to help me get up I told them laughing that I only fell because I tried to get up too fast because I always forget that I can’t walk because I feel so good while sat or laid and I feel totally “normal”. They asked me to take better care of myself so I happily left. But I returned two days later.

 

The second incident happened in the parking lot of the Zagreb fair that was full of holes with pieces of the stones missing. I wasn’t present again, I didn’t look where I was standing and my ankle twisted and I fell right away because my leg gave up instantly because of pain. I heard a loud crack and it hurt so much that I thought I broke it so I remained lying on the ground for a while and Dalibor Petrinić (, whose amazing lecture and book promotion I attended; @daliborpetrinic on Instagram), and his girlfriend Ingrid – lovingly comforted me: everything will be alright, breathe deep, stay laying as much as you need, we’ll help you get up as soon as you want… After a few minutes, I was able to sit up and they helped me get in the car and drove me home.

 

Do you know that I live on the third floor in a building without an elevator? I called my son who was luckily in Zagreb and he rushed home to help me. My Dr. House wisely told me: If you lived downstairs you would be much worse – and probably this is the reason I am still on my feet because since I got this diagnose I never lived lower than the 2nd floor. Soon my baby appeared and took me in his arms and carried me up as if I had 12 kilos. This filled me with so much gratitude and love that I simply couldn’t feel bad.

 

Today my story found me while I was laying on the floor and moaning: a friend called me and a few minutes later she sent me a passage from Louise’s Hay Book: “Heal Your Life”

Ankles: represent the change in life’s path and the easiness of these changes.

Affirmation: Changes come with ease. My life is led by the divine and I am heading in the best direction.

True. I got a few new business opportunities and although I thought I can’t wait for them I obviously fear them subconsciously. And that I thoughtlessly rush and I am not in the moment. Now life has parked me for a while so I have time to process everything.

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