It would be so much easier if I kept it a secret. If I could fight my fights with the world and myself in peace… It would be so much easier if nobody knew who I was. To live privately and the only people who would recognize me on the street would be those few whom I grew up with. It would be so easy if I were just a tenant in the building… but I am not.
Someone asked me the other day: Why did you tell everybody about the diagnose? Why did you include all of them, their fears and assumptions and their interpretations in your life? That person said that because I told her that I refuse to go to public places and events until I heal totally because it takes too much of my energy to comfort and persuade them that I am well although it doesn’t show on the way I walk yet. That nothing hurts me, that I’m happy and that every time I sit down I forget that I can’t walk well. Although I walk much better now and I have these micro changes that feel enormous to me, people can’t know how I felt before on the inside. Sometimes I feel like a queen of fake because I pretended for so long that I am fine and that I can do all this. It didn’t even occur to me that I ever had the option to fall on my knees and complain. It is a no-no for a mother. The child looks at his parent as a solid rock and I didn’t have the heart to disappoint him. I always thought that I wouldn’t endure it if I were in his place. So crying and giving up wasn’t ever an option for me.
Why did I tell everyone? Well yes, a person wonders, because it would be so much easier to conceal that I am afraid and that I can’t do it anymore. The other day, I read a friend’s blog who kickstarted my healing. The blog was about his fight with MS and about how it was the hardest for him to admit that he is weak and that he can’t do everything anymore. I remember that painful hit in the ego I received too and I believe that ego was supposed to receive a deadly hit in both of our cases. From him, I found out last year that our biggest issue was fear that is ruling us. Fear? – I thought – I don’t have that. What a self-deception! If it wasn’t for fear there would be no condition but I know that now. And my fear despicably hid behind rage, despair and pure grief so I thought it wasn’t even present.
I told the world about my illness because too many times I heard cruel comments behind my back, like: It’s no wonder that they took away her child, look at her! She’s drunk! She’s high on drugs! It’s better for the kid to be with his father!
At the time I was walking the streets leaning my hand on the buildings I passed by. When the crossings became too big of a challenge I walked into a store that was selling equipment for the handicapped. I think that was the moment my crown finally fell of my head. I bought a walking cane. I remember that a heavy burden fell off my chest when I saw this beautiful black cane with silver stripes that would be a nice accessory for my skirts and dresses. I remember that I found it hilarious that it cost only 19,90 euros and it was so beautiful! I remember feeling very lucky.
For a long time, I didn’t understand why did this happen to me. After so much emotional pain my body denounced! I was desperate: if I don’t have my body on my side then I don’t have anyone! It was terrifying but today I know that kissing the ground is the best springboard! Soon I also found out that I am much, much more than my body!
If an atom is consists of a core (consisting of protons and neutrons) and around it there are free, dancing electrons. That core makes up 99,98% of its whole mass even though it is a 100 000 smaller than it’s radius which is an empty space or pure energy. And if I am made of atoms – then I am much more than this body. Then I am more energy than matter! This proportion is well nicely explained by this parable: if an atom is a size of an SUV then the core is big as a chickpea in it. All the rest is just “energy”. Why are we so foolish and we put all our focus on that negligible part?
During the meditation in the workshop in Berlin, I asked: Why has all this had to happen to me? The answer was “loud” and clear: So that you can inspire. So that when people see you, say: if she could do it, I can do it!
These were the exact words my “comrade” from Izrael told me when he approached me in Berlin: When I see you how you walk and how joyful you are I know that I can heal too. We’ve been cheering each other up every week with messages of support ever since.
Only a week after I came home, I found this post on the Joe Dispenza pupils page:
Get this! After the last night’s chat here and meditation, I dreamed of Andja Maric (I usually don’t remember my dreams) and how I met her on the street. I asked her how’s it going and she said: great! I managed to sort out everything, this really works! She said goodbye and ran away somewhere to her new life without a trace of some kind of problem. I wondered: if she could do it, I can at least feel better! Did I get a confirmation through a dream that I shouldn’t give up? It could be.
I started writing about my path after I attended Dr. Joe Dispenza’s progressive workshop in Zagreb. I met two new friends from South Africa there and we were talking about what happened to me and where am I now. Yolande and Oliver told me: you have to write about it. If only one person benefits from it your mission is complete! I thought about how grateful I am for Ana Bučević’s story about her husband Saša’s healing and Denis Delogu’s story, book and his friendly advice meant to me and where would I be without them? What you get in that way, you have to give back – my Dr. House had told me that from the beginning though at the time it sounded like science fiction because I felt so bad. Today, on the other hand, thinking about it resembles a bad dream.
The other day a woman stopped me on the street and said:
– You’ve helped me so much, thank you!
– Me? But how?
– It doesn’t matter. You’ve helped me a lot, thank you.
Everything is paid for. Because of all this and all your messages, it’s been worth to feel so “naked”.